The Guild of Assassins

‘So, what’s your thing?’

‘My thing?’ He carried on drinking.

‘Yeah, you know, your thing.’

He stopped drinking for a second and looked at his annoying companion. ‘Five foot seven’.

‘Fuck do you mean, Fife foot Seven?’

‘Well, this guy broke into my flat, stole my TV and my Blu-ray player. I saw his mug shot, you know, with the placards, look right, look left, look straight ahead, height chart next to his head. Five foot Seven he was. So, I figured I’d just go out and kill everyone who was Five foot Seven, they’re all obviously criminals. Got me into the Guild.’

‘Oh right, sensible.’ There was a long pause. ‘With me, it’s curly hair.’

‘Curly hair?’ He raised an eyebrow ever so slightly as he brought his glass to his lips again, scrutinising his new bar friend.

‘It’s no right. See you, see me, take a look around the Guild, we all have straight hair, or bald, but curly hair? Nah, it’s no right, so I kill ‘em.’

‘A lot of women then?’

‘Dinnae be daft, I’m no sick, just guys wi’ curly hair, they deserve all that’s comin’ to them.’

He carried on drinking before his peace was interrupted again.

‘See Tom? Has a thing about sunbeds. He’s decided since he had a bad experience on a sunbed, he was goin’ for everyone beyond a certain tan, if you see what I mean. Carries a fuckin’ colour swatch around wi’ him so he knows if a person is to be a victim or not. I mean, killing people just because of the colour of their skin. Mental eh?’


‘A bit like Jimmy and his hatred of everyone who believes you should eat a soft-boiled egg starting from the pointy end. Just a clue there, if he asks, choose the big end.’ He laughed. ‘Might start a war!’

‘And then, that nutter, got into the Guild because his thing was Jews. I mean, how can you even tell if someone is a Jew or not? But there you go, he’s in the Guild and he goes around indiscriminately killing them. He can’t ever tell you why. I put him in the same box as the football killers. All nutters.’

‘And Curly Hair Killers?’

‘That’s no random, I do that for a reason, obviously!’

He put his empty glass down and took another long look at his annoying companion. ‘How tall are you by the way?’