The Perfect Spot

He loved to walk with her, especially just after the rain. The smells that newly fallen rain produced was intoxicating to his sensitive nose. Like a drug addict craving that next dollop of nirvana, he couldn’t get enough of the heavenly smells wafting from the sodden ground.

They took the same path every evening, through the fields, past the long flowing grass that just begged to be explored. Not that she ever allowed him to explore. Said she couldn’t trust him. She was right. Onwards down the long path towards the tree. Carved in to the trunk by an unseen hand or perhaps Mother Nature, the perfect seat, the ideal spot to rest. They never stopped on the way past, always striding on to the end of the track first before turning back and only then would she let them rest.

Tonight however she was obviously tired because she stopped as soon as they reached the tree. He pulled at her arm, keen to explore and go further and for the first time she didn’t argue. Slipping the lead from around his neck she made a shooing motion with her arm and uttered one one..’Go’. He hesitated only for a second then ran off back to the fields of billowing grass.

Ears flying in the wind, legs galloping faster than his heart, he sped through the grass, barking excitedly, chasing what he could smell but not see. Freedom was his and he would not go back on the blue tether ever again. Choking him, holding him back, that was no life for an animal meant to run free.

He found a particularly foul smelling patch of ground towards the bottom of the field and he dove in to it and began to roll himself frantically through it, all his senses bursting with pleasure. The warm, wet feeling on his newly shorn fur. The smell of the manure assaulting his nostrils and burning the back of his throat. He loved it all.

Once he was satisfied he was as coated in muck as he could be he tore after imaginary rabbits for another twenty minutes or so before he realised he was thirsty and remembering the blissfully cool puddle that always appeared at the base of the tree made his way back through the long grass towards her.

It was then he saw her. Hanging from the arm of the tree that she once said looked like it was waving at her. She’d gotten tangled in his blue tether somehow.

He peered curiously at her, watching the way her feet dangled, swaying gently in the wind. She was wearing his favourite trainers, the ones he chewed for comfort that smelled so strongly of her. He didn’t understand why she always shouted at him when he did that. Didn’t she know it made him feel close to her?

He walked towards her and wondered why she wasn’t pulling on the tether like he did. Didn’t it hurt her like it hurt him? Was she sleeping? She must be, it’s the only other time he saw her this still and quiet. He didn’t want her to be quiet. Quiet meant she wasn’t paying attention to him and he loved that more than anything. Strange how she thought this walk was what he looked forward to the most. She had such gentle hands. His favourite times of the day were when she caressed his ears, tickled under his chin, relaxed him in to a near catatonic state.

He knew what would make her move, make her pay attention to him. He started shouting at her, she hated that, always shouted back at him, shaking her head until her hair stood on end, making her look so funny, he laughed, then she’d shout even more.

Not today though, she must be in a really deep sleep. Only one thing for it, the guaranteed sure fire way to wake her. He started jumping at her feet, teeth exposed ready to take the gentlest of nips. It was harder than normal because she was sleeping in such a weird way and she was much higher than usual. He kept jumping, shouting, encouraging her to wake up. His teeth grazed the sole of the smelly, delicious shoe and boosted by the aroma teasing his damp nose he gave one final, mighty leap and pulled it clean off her foot.

He lay panting, tired but ecstatic underneath her and waited for the shout of anger, the exasperated twitch of her foot but neither came. He settled down at the base of the tree and comforted himself with the familiar smell and taste of his favourite trainer. She would wake up eventually and they would walk home together, safe in the knowledge that they would always be there for each other. No one else could love him like she did after all.

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Renewed

You did not break me…..
well, only for a while

I lost my will to live
but now I’ve found
my missing smile

The road has been
a long one,
full of darkness,
hate and fear

At times the shadows
claimed me
but somehow the road
began to veer

I am renewed,
reborn again,
no longer will I hide

This life is mine
to live again

I have found my inner pride.

Failed

There was no light
shining for me,
guiding the way
down a tunnel
of oblivion

No calming aura
to soften the blow
while fat faced angels
hovered protectively

Voices of loved ones
lost did not whisper
hello nor welcome
me to oblivion

For me;
pain, grief and anger
howled in the distance
while strange hands
pawed at a body tired
of fighting,
of living in torment

Silently screaming
to let me be,
to help me forget,
to scratch the horrors
from my mind

As the fog cleared
relief swept through
the room for all

But one.

Plastic Smile

It keeps you all
at bay,
this mask I plaster
on my face,
whilst underneath
the lie I’m dying,
slowly crumbling

‘I’m good’
‘I’m fine’
‘Don’t worry’
help the lie
upon its way,
fabrications
and diversions
to stop the words
I want to say

The truth is imprisoned
in my battered,
damaged mind,
as I fight to keep
it hidden,
to suppress the
fear within me

The shell in which
my soul resides
is repairing,
slowly healing,
yet the horror plays
on in my mind,
repeating
every feeling.

The Forest

The sky was vivid, painted turquoise by an invisible hand, free from the merest puff of wispy cloud. The sun caressed the morning with its warm, comforting hands, bathing everything it touched with love. A gentle, delicate breeze tickled the air. Majestic emerald pine trees stretched limitlessly with the promise of adventure and excitement still to come.

The girl headed confidently in to the forest having walked these paths so many times before. The trees, these gentle giants, cradled her with strong limbs as she passed through and under them, safe in their presence and all that nested within them. Everything associated with this place felt right to her. The sounds so familiar, the smells so comforting. It didn’t matter which path she took, she always found her way through the dense woods and back home.

It was a shock, therefore, to find herself suddenly on a path she did not recognise. She hadn’t seen it coming, was taken aback by this new route. It felt wrong, oppressive and dark. She glanced about her, desperately looking for the way back to safety, back to the familiar sounds and smells, back to that warm, cosy feeling of belonging in this place, but it was gone.

The trees, once so reassuring now seemed to be suffocating her, powerful arms reaching out to squeeze the last drops of happiness from her very being. The path was shifting beneath her as she frantically tried in vain to avoid the black, gaping chasm that was rapidly opening. Her feet began to slip towards the edge of the deep, murky, cavernous hole. Trying to grasp on to the roots of the trees, where once they were safe they now seemed to shift away, her cries for help falling on ears deaf to her plight.

She fell in to the pit as a gnawing despair and helplessness began to seep in to her body. There was no way out. Colours no longer existed. Feelings so foreign to her now dug their claws in to her mind. In a moment of terrifying clarity, she knew that there was only one way to escape from the pit, to leave the darkness, the despair and the terror behind her.

If only she had the courage.

The Battle

Sickness dwells
within the nooks
and crannies
of the mind

Contaminating
thoughts and words,
destroying life
from the inside

No one knows
how long it lives
before it starts
to bite

But slowly
and assuredly
it wins the
dreadful fight

With memories
of battles lost
the sickness spreads
too deep

The darkness
closes in,
the mind too sick,
too scared
to sleep.

Invasion

Shut your eyes and
go to your happy place,
never show you are
dying inside

Listen to the waves,
to the gulls calling loudly,
not to the screams
as you hear yourself cry

Imagine the calm, gentle
breeze flowing softly,
and not the invasion,
nor the searing, raw pain

Keep in your head
every good time
and memory,
you shall need them
for sure when it all
starts again.

One Small Step

One small step
is all I need
to take the pain away

One leap into
the icy depths
and my world
will cease to be grey

One swift cut
will drain away
the poison
from my heart

One tug of war
will free my mind,
of this world
I will have no part

So many ways
to surrender,
to finally be free

No more fight
to endure the pain,
to continue being me.

Invisible

He is blind to her eyes
that shine just for him

to her smile that only
his presence can bring

to the laughter in her voice
whenever they speak

to the swelling of her heart
that she longs for him to keep

He is blind to the girl
who used to be fun

to the girl
who once believed
she could be someone

to the girl
who no longer
can see past the pain

to the girl
who will never
be happy again.